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Washing Your Cat
(I can't imagine it would actually work this way. I haven't
tried this method.)
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to
be bathed; that somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this
popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or
without bleach). Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of
odors; from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your
dog's breath. Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat
a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is
both sneaky and direct.
Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to
tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits. Although your cat has the advantage of
smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size,
strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
- First: Dress for the occasion.A 4-ply rubber wet suit
is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
- A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one
with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3. 5 seconds.
- Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub
area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
- Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you
still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can
reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
- Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry
about the cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely notices you anyway.
- Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is
essential. In one single liquid motion . shut the door to the bathroom, step into the
shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still
in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the
water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats
have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn
off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
- As best you can (wearing welder's gloves), try to field his
body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt
of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
- During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub
vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the
tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
- Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The
cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt
on the first available part of you.
- Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest
part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed
to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat,
reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
- If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your
leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most
disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel round him.
- Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into
tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
- In about 2 hours it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your
cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting
revenge.
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