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This page will have a not-always-up-to-date listing of all the quotes, in HTML format.
"What do you think is wrong with
Education today?" "A generation which ignores history has
no past--and no future." "A study in the Washington Post says
that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: 'Duh.'" "A woman broke up with me and sent me
pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her
dad." "Adam was but human-this explains it
all. "An adventure is only an inconvenience,
rightly considered." "Behind every successful man is a
surprised woman." "Behold the turtle. He makes progress
only when he sticks his neck out." "Believe nothing, "Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same." "Bumper sticker: He who dies with the
most toys wins. "Democracy is the worst form of
government except for all the others." "Don't ask the barber whether you need
a haircut." "Don't outsmart yourself." "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a
shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." "During the calm waters, every ship has
a great Captain." "Earth provides enough to satisfy every
man's need, but not every man's greed." "Emergency Stopping Only "Every time a baseball player grabs his
crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player." "For Cindy, a hot day is one where all
the ice melts. "For every 60 seconds of being angry
you lose 1 minute of happiness." "Have you ever noticed.... Anybody
going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every
time I leave a man I keep his house." "I am enough of an artist to draw
freely upon my imagination. "I am not a vegetarian because I love
animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." "I base most of my fashion taste on
what doesn't itch." "I had a linguistics professor who said
that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't
afraid of vacuum cleaners." "I have a great diet. You're allowed to
eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." "I have yet to hear a man ask for
advice on how to combine marriage and a career." "I hear and I forget. I see and I
understand. I do and I remember." "I just broke up with someone and the
last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I
should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'-" "I know God will not give me anything I
can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." "I never married because there was no
need. "I think men who have a pierced ear are
better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." "I think that's how Chicago got
started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" "I think, therefore I'm single." "I want to have children, but my
friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even
want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours." "I worry that the person who thought up
Muzak may be thinking up something else." "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears
makes one you can ride on." "I'm not offended by all the dumb
blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... "I've been on so many blind dates, I
should get a free dog." "If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base." "If all you have is a hammer then
everything looks like a nail." "If high heels were so wonderful, men
would still be wearing them." "If I had my life to live over, "If it can't be expressed in figures,
it is not science; it is opinion." "If it weren't for electricity we'd all
be watching television by candlelight." "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive
and all the impersonators would be dead." "If men can run the world, why can't
they stop wearing neckties? "If your dog thinks your the greatest,
don't seek a second opinion." "I'm not into working out. My
philosophy: No pain, no pain." "In elementary school, in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic? Do tall people burn slower?" "In life, there are Makers, Takers, and
Fakers. Which are you?" "In politics, if you want anything
said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." "It is better to wear out than rust
out." "It's a good thing most crooks are
stupid, or we would be in big trouble." "It's not what I don't know that hurts
me. "Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Snore and you sleep alone." "Let your ambitions further your
accomplishments, "Life is a ribbon. "Life is uncertain. Always eat desert
first." "May "My husband and I are either going to
buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." "My mom said she learned how to swim
when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" "Nagging is the repetition of
unpalatable truths. " "Never a horse that couldn't be rode. "Never judge a day by the
weather." "Never lend your car to anyone to whom
you have given birth." "Never underestimate the power of human
stupidity." "No rain, no rainbows." "Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your permission. " "Now they show you how detergents take
out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash." "Our bombs are smarter than the average
high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." "Power tends to corrupt and absolute
power corrupts absolutely." "Relationships are hard. It's like a
full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." "Remember, wherever you go, there you
are." "Some of us are becoming the men we
wanted to marry." "Some women hold up dresses that are so
ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On
fire?" "Sometimes I think war is God's way of
teaching us geography." "Suppose you were an idiot... And
suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." "Take cover?! "Tattoo Charlie's. Tatoos while you
wait." "Tell me and I forget. Show me and I
remember. Involve me and I learn." "Tell the truth, there's less to
remember." "The best things in life aren't
things." "The early bird gets the worm. The
early worm..." "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not
be in want. "The more dangerous form of censorship
is internal, imposed by artists who are afraid of challenging established values." "The reason most people play golf is to
wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise." "The second day of a diet is always
easier than the first. By the second day you're off it." "The secret of genius is to carry the
spirit of childhood into maturity." "The statistics on sanity are that one
out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." "The Swiss have an interesting army.
Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see
that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of
me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" "There are no dangerous weapons, only
dangerous people." "There are three ways to get things
done: "Think" "Time waits for no man...and damn few
women!" "Try?! No! Do! Or do not! There is no
try." "We do not see things as they are. "What do people mean when they say the
computer went down on them?" "What weapons do you think will be used
in the next World War? "When women are depressed they either
eat or go shopping. "When you look at Prince Charles, don't
you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" "When your work speaks for itself,
don't interrupt." "Where is the one who has been born
king of the Jews? "Where lipstick is concerned, the
important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." "Wheresoever she was, there was
Eden." "Why does Sea World have a seafood
restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner." "Why is it that when we talk to God
we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" "You have to stay in shape. My
grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we
don't know where the hell she is." "You have your brush, you have your
colors, you paint paradise, then in you go. "You live and learn. Or you don't live
long." "You may have a fresh start any moment
you choose, "You see a lot of smart guys with dumb
women, "You're only young once. |
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